MINDSPILL

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LOVE EATS ME UP

love eats me up
it always has
venom breath
never luc warm even when it sits out
I can't drink it plain
wrapped in a comforter
wrapped in the good powder
in words even if lack of feeling
it's you it's you it's you
next
love eats me up
forked and folds
in the crease of her eyelid
in my spit in the back of her throat
I see it will last till next month
I see it will be forever in a span of a year
and that’s enough for someone young
I'll do everything
I'll go anywhere
for you
next
love eats me up
in mountains of glory and gore
in mouthfuls of binging and purging
in boats of boasts and breakthroughs
in clouds of kid shapes and star mazes
love eats me up
in the straw between her lips
in the pitstop of her hometown
in the grits and cereal milk
in the pulp and tongue flap
in the home of their arms
love eats me up
in between the drip of your thighs
in the hole of wall mom and pop shop
in the weighted presence of her eyes
in the wholeness of their arms as home
love ate me up
searching with blood on my knees
from kneeling to feel a higher power
you left me with.

DOG BONE
I couldn't have translated zenith
no matter how hard I tried
with a frequency that yelled in foreign language
higher waves, highers ways
extinguishing a dog bone to chase
it became rather sentimental to have such
a catharsis of a romanticized past
it amplified the present
this fantastical world
I often find myself in
a fault of entertainment
a fault no doubt
I wish I could be happy with the mundane
with a different standard
a different pair of eyes
I don't know if I see differently
or if I learned from predispositions
in a post modern world
in a time of inefficacy
sometimes I still think I'm mediocre
and that's my worst nightmare
maybe that's why the intangible and
non-commitals
attract me
it's always my fault for trying
I wish I could still touch a spot
and be surprised
every gesture is worn out and predictable
imagining is better
which sets me up for disappointment
my fault
the dog bone
the home fight
the long drive way
the point from A to B
when you almost thought it was right
I hope I haven't entered zenith yet
there must be something higher

ANOTHER ACCIDENT
We as a whole ripened too soon
We shoved our mouths
with bruised skin
and said it will do
overdue
Hitting the pavement like a pack of wolves
gathering cubs
and deeming us worthy
to run
to love
Can it over
These chains of weakened harrow
are also a cuffed comfort
Rather have the pull
than weightless memory
These waves of constant movement
hold truth to
that few will be of value
Should we try
Should we pry
Should we fight to the death
of life’s fruitful pain
and fruitless reward
By still reaching
for the substance
We can
We choose
As accidents ourselves
We can still choose
With these limited bodies
and rehabilitated skin packets
The excess we have
are costumes of existence
not necessities to survival
A privilege of living
not essential to death
Isolation is an emotion
Quarantine is not disconnect
For most of us
are malnourished
or overfed and fat
We can remain soft
We can remain open
We can remain loved
In a breath
of mercy and resilience.

MOBILE HOME

Present tense for a moment in time
I tried to taste the honey between their thighs
reckon the distance between you and I
could be dimmed if I filled my hive
can't get close to the thermostat
can't get close
with our chains around your waist
around my neck
I've unbuttoned it
too many times to count
We are elite
taste to the highest degree
and yet you wear your
life in rags of fear
Pious to your art
which matches the confines
in your mind
stiff institutions
Never allowing you
to breach the commandments
of your own potential
I have sympathy
for your cage
but not empathy for your choice
Your own hands desecrating
your present and future
The same hands creating masterpieces
that fill my ears with the same
feeling as Claire de Lune
the only song I could listen
on my wedding and my funeral
the same feeling of falling in love
and falling out
Simultaneously
this crown of love
This quilt of caution
Your mother's hands
coloring your skin
Your dad's hands fixing
your broken toys
your broken heart
Your broken heart
your broken hero
and your lovers
in your palm
while the fire burned
as you slept
Everything still inside
even your hair
You're alive
you're alive
you're alive
and yet you're living
in a space
of expired desire
canned goods
unsafe
and grief from death
of his of hers
of theirs
of yours
What do I do
when I know more
than anyone
and still not close
to enough
This extension chord
has forgone it's length
All the spare rooms
are taken
How can I, my love?
How can I lay in their arms
when your eyes are the
only place that's ever felt
like Home.

MODERN MAKES ME A HUNGRY GIRL

I hear the world’s whisper
heavy as god’s hand
I don’t believe
but fallen men show me
something to compare to
I don’t pity them
and I don’t pity those who
need that hand to hold them up
but I would pity me if I did

I hear your mother
she told you to be quiet or
you’d feel the leather
crimson skin
white knuckles
baring teeth
refusing screams because
she told you that was weakness
I’m sorry for the lies

the stars chose to open their
lids tonight extra wide
they knew the sky needed
more light
because more people
were looking
it’s funny how desperation
has so much company
when loneliness is illuminated

the horses hooves
bound down over and over
shaking her knee caps
when she feels most alive
if nuzzling into the curve of her neck
was the last thing she did
she would be content
she would forgive herself

As time moves forward
I begin to forget the color of your eyes
it used to be my favorite shade
and I would waltz in them every night
my memories hold so much
variations
permutations
deviations
but I try to explain
and they’re like anemic lines
and soggy structures

I try to be an architect of my life
but sometimes people build
without my permission
or I’ll give them my tools
because we can’t always be
the ones controlling movement
kinesis happens no matter what language

the world is quiet tonight
a sheen of sweat is still on her forehead
the star’s lids are closing
the hooves begin to slow
a new memory is blooming
I moved into a space dancing
the world is still for once.

BLUE

We ended with I love you
not many people get to say that
We left our home with everything still inside
Let the fire burn out with neither of us watching
We said I love you
the color blue spilling out of your eyes
I had never seen it before
so I knew it was real
You are such a good actor
I never really knew
I think I can grasp it now
the halves that half you in half
except we are both still whole
We ended with I love you
But the color blue is never just blue

NOISE

Noise came from your teeth
and sunk in my skin before I told it
it could
then the lack of noise never exited
turned me blue, starved
negative reinforcement
now stagnant in a kitty pool
rubber and plastic playing at our fingers
noise brimmed your mouth
and dripped like gasoline
I didn’t catch it this time
I let it slip passed.

BATHS

The blue jays began shouting your name
I knew exactly what they meant
It began to grow at a rapid pace
while we opened slow and steady
The cement didn’t change it’s name
everyone fell the same way
Why were we anything different
I ran the water as if I wasn’t afraid of swimming
didn’t want you to see the back of my mouth
hurrying to join the blue jays
while I told my feet to clean my tracks

A wolf
Singular
with no warning
You were holding candles the first time I saw you
which later I found out you wanted to walk around
smelling like a campfire
much more fitting than a slow burn we rode
My spine unraveled before you got near my core
but I showed you my skin quickly to break the ice
to show some contrived intimacy and feed
young fire

I never really cared for anything polished
it didn’t seem right when we started
I knew I’d fall in love
Why bring up logistics
You like to rationalize the future
as you're comfortable with red tape
I showed you silk
and you didn’t know what to do with it
You showed me a rain forest
and I nose dived deep

I try to take baths to force myself to do nothing
except feel the water seep in my skin
while I sweat in wetness and pretend like
I’m five again
I imagine you as a child and
how you took baths too
How you wore big clothes and drew on napkins
I think about your hands and
how you hold a fork
How that same hand holds my face
and how that face has become the one thing
that can make me feel safe

I used to walk around model houses with my dad and sister for fun
choosing which bedroom would be mine
There’s this one I remember with a blue spiral staircase and a huge
sky light at the top of the loft
The ceiling is too short for you but I wish I could show you this room
I want to spend the night there and talk about our future place
Divided between loud colors and memorabilia for you
and black steel and photos for me
The sky light we agree upon because we both love light
especially on you

I never thought so much about my life in a cinematic way
than I have with you
You told me this first
Being with me, feels cinematic
and I haven’t stopped thinking about it
Every scene with you feels important
even and especially the mundane
I want to walk in every coffee shop and
trader joes to buy oatmeal and tea with you
and I want to go in every bar bathroom because
we can’t wait until we’re home

I didn’t start this with you in mind
but of course it is
Everything is now about you
while I continue my own dreams
and you with yours
It will keep getting bigger
It will keep getting brighter
Your scent is in my skin
Maybe that’s why I like baths

It makes me feel closer to your love.

WEIGHT

It's strange to feel your absence so loudly when your presence is so easy. I Guess when Kundera said "the unbearable lightness of being," he meant when something so grounding is the lightest thing in your life has left for a noticeable amount of time, you realize their company wasn't light at all. It was the heaviest place you've ever been, and a human haven is a world of weight you want to carry.

BLOOM

You make shared space feel like silk on clean skin
the way it's your favorite thing to wear but you barely feel the weight
You make time feel like we have all of it in the world
yet not enough in this life,
like we're running out of sand in the hourglass
but we have spare supplies in our rooms.
You make my pace feel easy
like I never have to worry about punctuation
I like that we're different shades but our stroke is so similar
You challenge how I articulate
I challenge how you pronounce.
You make me more ferrel in tender ways
as I soften your control over your own leash
I want to be with you long enough for the furniture to be rearranged
and our toothbrushes to be replaced too many times to count.
I want to do everything with you
but more importantly I want to do nothing with you.
We're in too deep to only lick our paws
I need your spit in every part of me
I want our sides to become a full meal
The table cloth is ready
Let's eat, mess and all.

BLAND DELIGHTS

The plastic covered walls carried little nuance that drove any light in
A carriage roundabout tripped up the halls
Giving character to stale memories
Over worked
Over used
Over done
The leftovers were even half assed
In forms of disregarded has beens
Biting down on crumbs of last efforts
Where were the explosions of sensory overload that had nothing to do with screens
And numbing images
Were nowhere to be found
Brainwashed scrolling and mindless conversations
Where were the connections that had nothing to do with phone numbers and networking
Where was the passion she had only tasted for moments of spared time
That came as fast as it went
And spread thin into the foil
Oil in vinegar as it never ended up blending
Observing other lover’s lives was routine
And holding hands with skin instead of hearts was a hobby
As she always worked her way to the core so fast
The pits became bland before the juice was ever sweet
A collection of roots
That most people saw after aged wine
Had been left out for years
She sipped so many glasses
She was immune to the empty bottle
As most would fall into a drunk love of two
She took home the clear glass
Transparent it would not last
Semi pink
Semi pressed
Semi plotted in a hand made book
No illustrations
Or remote climax
But the emotion of a cute hand made anything
Crafted for the way you cuddle a co worker
After a needed drunk work party that was only a bland escasm
So, where is the one who offers
Something of interest
And stays when I tell you
My age has nothing to do with my mind
And my potential nothing to do with the amount of my words
And on and on and on
Until she finds divine delights
ignite
Is this only a fantasy…

SOMETIMES

I know I’ve swept so much underneath. that things have become refurbished and recalculated into something amplified and fantasized. with thoughts of glass candles showing every malignant memory. I let it spread infectiously into every participle of my life. making it the disease of my existing. in change, I have brought feeling. more feeling than I’ve ever felt. experiencing the hues, the measures, the pain, the love, the mockery, the humiliation, the currents, the loudness, the unbearable quietness, the silence, the loneliness, the evil, the curiosity, the rasp, the wrist wake, the dark, the light, the permanence, the ephemeral, the impermanence.
forget, remember, let go, hold on, once more, twice less, again, release, relief, relapse, redo, rewind, re-learn, re-discover, re-hope, re-fall, retrieve your own, your being, your inability to control, your ability to try, it is all for you, and sometimes it’s not. sometimes you lie broken on the ground, in your mind, wanting to stop, to stop existing, to stop feeling, to stop thinking, to stop. sometimes it’s nothing. sometimes you are nothing. but sometimes it is everything. you feel here, you feel everything, and sometimes it is beautiful. you see and you feel and you hear existence. the past is thundering, it is the only time that is permanent, but you remember. and sometimes you feel every I love you you ever heard and every I love you ever said and every I love you you believed and every I love you you meant. sometimes you remember the time you went to the store and a little girl so clearly looked up to you and you remember when you were that little girl. sometimes you remember your favorite smell because a stranger was wearing your grandmother’s perfume and sometimes you fall in love with the person on the subway and a smile is enough. sometimes the future seems more resolved than it will be and other times it’s too terrifying and anxiety filling to even muster in your mind. so don’t. those are the times you just don’t. and that’s okay. it’s okay to feel everything and it’s okay to feel nothing. just as long as it’s sometimes.
and that’s the thing.
everything is sometimes.
so enjoy when it’s good,
and fall apart when it’s not,
and just float when you’re not sure,
and talking seems impossible
and thinking is exhausting.
it’s only sometimes,
I promise you,
it will be okay.

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